a mess of my mind tbh

eight / a step forward, finally!


Hello! It has been a while, hasn’t it?

I have not been writing much due to constant difficulties and obstacles in life.

Writing became something rather stressful, instead of producing joy. Words don’t flow out of me easily anymore. Thoughts have become choppier, and harder to comprehend. Everything was jumbling up – and of course, I decided to just quit.

Anyway, I will try to get back into it. Nothing used to make me happier than sitting down and creating a new world in my head. One day, I’ll dip my feet into the ocean of poetry once more but for now, I’ll let them dry.

An update: I have a change of interest/passion. Not sure whether it will work for me, but I have started working at a new place to test the waters. Fingers crossed for positive news in the future, yeah?

Also another update: Nearing two years with my boyfriend! That’s totally insane for me. There are times that I will glance at his face and I feel so… so in love. Plus, I have completely memorised the face yet I’m not sick of it. Will I ever be sick of it?

I think that’s enough for tonight.

See ya,


seven / i try my best but it’s so hard sometimes… why?


the reason why i’m scared is simple. 

i’m afraid to watch you walk away from me, and not giving enough fucks to turn around to check up on me. for you to continue walking far, far away, and never walking back. running back. smiling. laughing. holding my hand.

maybe that’s why every time you walk faster than me, i tend to walk even slower. i watch your back going farther and farther. and suddenly it feels like it might actually come true. you don’t even turn around – oh. you turned around. you see me. you continue walking. i try to follow your pace and touch your hand slightly as a hint to hold it. you don’t hold it. maybe you don’t want to hold it. maybe you’re embarrassed to have me. is that why you’re walking so fast?

suddenly, your hand beckons for me to hold it. oh! me. my hand. i grab your hand fast and start swinging it. you don’t say anything. you’re not smiling, while i have the goofiest smile because i can swing your hand. do you not smile because you’re not happy with me?

are you secretly angry about the swinging because it’s annoying?

i had an argument about this with someone else, could you be angry too?

oh. you turned to look at me and smile. i stop swinging, but you swing my hand instead. maybe you like it. i start smiling again because suddenly you are happy to be with me. it feels okay again. all of my thoughts ceased.

we reached the place that we’re eating at. we silently sit. you don’t start a conversation. i try to make small talk. it ends. you keep quiet. i stare at you, you use your phone. You play the game on your phone, and smile up at me. “wait ah, i get stones then we can summon together,” you say. i nod my head excitedly like a little puppy. 

then. silence.

silence. this silence..

a lot of scenarios enter my head. why are you so bubbly with other people? you always have so many things to talk about, so many reactions, you laugh, you smile, you reply. you continue the conversation with so much ease and joy.


and. it kills a part of me.

i want to do that with you. but I stare at you and you’re quiet and you’re playing a game. yes, I like to summon in the game. but I like you talking to me too. how come you seem to look so much brighter when you are with other people? why do your eyes not shine when you’re with me?


you’re looking at me.

confused why i have fell silent to my own thoughts. you don’t think too much about what i’m thinking. but i think about everything, you know that.

your eyes don’t shine when they look at me. they melt, like the drizzled chocolate at Starbucks. it’s always melting down the whipped cream.

i look down.


can’t believe I’m having such stupid thoughts when you’re right in front of me. i look up again and you’re still staring with those soft, warm eyes.

maybe you’re staring at me so much because you’re realising how much you dislike me. maybe you realised you don’t actually love me.

you open your mouth and say, “you know i love you, right?”

you love me?

me? of all the girls in the world.. me?

you continue staring. i continue debating. me. me. you love me.

i smile. all thoughts ceased once again. you reach out for my hand. i take it. i squeeze it.

“i love you too.” 

so much. so very much.

i’m sorry for my thoughts, they wander and i let them be.

six / eggs, sausages and french toast


you made breakfast for me,
with no anger, no nothing
you got out of bed,
and just started making it

i didn’t know,
what you sacrificed,
till i realised your french toast was charred,
while mine were perfect, crispy golden brown

you have a bigger appetite,
a stomach made perfect for buffets,
and yet you gave me three eggs,
while you only had two

we ate breakfast together,
that was the loveliest thing to have
in the early, bright morning
at the busy city Bangkok

(if you know me well, you’d know i’m terrible at cooking. however, i do want to start learning and have started cooking a little. but now, i can’t wait for the day that i can cook myself and YOU a good meal. maybe not just us two, with a whole big family as well. one day, yes?)