the reason why i’m scared is simple.
i’m afraid to watch you walk away from me, and not giving enough fucks to turn around to check up on me. for you to continue walking far, far away, and never walking back. running back. smiling. laughing. holding my hand.
maybe that’s why every time you walk faster than me, i tend to walk even slower. i watch your back going farther and farther. and suddenly it feels like it might actually come true. you don’t even turn around – oh. you turned around. you see me. you continue walking. i try to follow your pace and touch your hand slightly as a hint to hold it. you don’t hold it. maybe you don’t want to hold it. maybe you’re embarrassed to have me. is that why you’re walking so fast?
suddenly, your hand beckons for me to hold it. oh! me. my hand. i grab your hand fast and start swinging it. you don’t say anything. you’re not smiling, while i have the goofiest smile because i can swing your hand. do you not smile because you’re not happy with me?
are you secretly angry about the swinging because it’s annoying?
i had an argument about this with someone else, could you be angry too?
oh. you turned to look at me and smile. i stop swinging, but you swing my hand instead. maybe you like it. i start smiling again because suddenly you are happy to be with me. it feels okay again. all of my thoughts ceased.
we reached the place that we’re eating at. we silently sit. you don’t start a conversation. i try to make small talk. it ends. you keep quiet. i stare at you, you use your phone. You play the game on your phone, and smile up at me. “wait ah, i get stones then we can summon together,” you say. i nod my head excitedly like a little puppy.
silence. this silence..
a lot of scenarios enter my head. why are you so bubbly with other people? you always have so many things to talk about, so many reactions, you laugh, you smile, you reply. you continue the conversation with so much ease and joy.
and. it kills a part of me.
i want to do that with you. but I stare at you and you’re quiet and you’re playing a game. yes, I like to summon in the game. but I like you talking to me too. how come you seem to look so much brighter when you are with other people? why do your eyes not shine when you’re with me?
you’re looking at me.
confused why i have fell silent to my own thoughts. you don’t think too much about what i’m thinking. but i think about everything, you know that.
your eyes don’t shine when they look at me. they melt, like the drizzled chocolate at Starbucks. it’s always melting down the whipped cream.
i look down.
can’t believe I’m having such stupid thoughts when you’re right in front of me. i look up again and you’re still staring with those soft, warm eyes.
maybe you’re staring at me so much because you’re realising how much you dislike me. maybe you realised you don’t actually love me.
you open your mouth and say, “you know i love you, right?”
you love me?
me? of all the girls in the world.. me?
you continue staring. i continue debating. me. me. you love me.
i smile. all thoughts ceased once again. you reach out for my hand. i take it. i squeeze it.
“i love you too.”
so much. so very much.
i’m sorry for my thoughts, they wander and i let them be.